Marriage Ed Musings

Introducing FMU DNA (Date Night Advice)

2012-01-28T10:23:00.003-06:00

Starting this year, I've been posting Date Night Advice (DNA) every weekend up on the FMU Facebook page, but thought I'd begin doing that here on my FMU Website blog instead, so for starters: here's the first few DNA posts. Let us know if any of them are particularly helpful or if you'd like a little clarification on the implications of any of them.

Jan 21, 2012 -Date Night Advice: Got a date this weekend? Remember Jesus is right there with you. If when you read that you immediately thought, "Yeah, I better make sure I'm not doing anything I'd be ashamed for Him to see!" let me encourage you to THINK BIGGER! God isn't a cosmic cop. He's a Heavenly Father. He doesn't want to keep you from having fun. He wants to help you TRULY LIVE! (Do you believe that?) He wants to help you understand your date, serve them in a way that doesn't just keep them pure, but actually blesses them. He KNOWS your date. He can help you pick up on things nobody else would know to point out. He knows what you like too. He LOVES HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS and wants to guide you into MANY!

Jan 13, 2012 -Date Night Advice: Got a date this weekend? WATCH your date's character. Don't just listen to what they SAY about themselves. Pay attention to how they treat you and others. And as you listen to them make note of how they talk about others. Are they critical or gracious, shallow or deep? And while you're at it, consider your own character. How much does the image you want to present on a date accurately reflect the person you are at work, in the car or at home? If there's a credibility gap, prayerfully seek out a friend (NOT a potential mate) who could encourage and hold you accountable in becoming the person you want to be (and likely the person God wants you to become).

January 6, 2012 - Date Night Advice: Got a date this weekend? Set a goal ahead of time to get to know a couple things about your date's past experiences, present beliefs, or future hopes. Not only will this intentionality help you to really get to know your date, focusing on relational intimacy can help you avoid the temptation of sexual intimacy. And don't set a bunch of goals - no more than a handful. If you try to cover too many questions, your date can feel more like a counseling session or an interrogation. Instead, see which topic your date seems interested in sharing and go as deep as it feels natural to do so. And if your date doesn't have much to say about anything, then talk to a trusted friend about your experience afterward. Maybe this person isn't the right one for a second date. Even if they are hot or funny.

Watch for more Date Night Advice (DNA) right here every weekend! And feel free to suggest your own ideas for DNA at info@FutureMarriageUniversity.org.

What is Love Education?

2011-12-17T14:21:00.006-06:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming Collegiate Edition of our TOP10 study guide series": Besides Sex & Salvation. The 1st volume introduces three critical life lessons for relational success and RELEASES FEBRUARY 2012!]

If you’ve grown up in the church; you know two things about marriage prior to premarital counseling:

1. You should wait until you’re married to have sex.

2. You should marry a believer.

Is that it? Of course not. There are innumerable truths for relational success you should know about marriage besides sex and salvation. So many things, in fact, that waiting until after you’ve already fallen in love with “that special someone” is dreadfully late to start learning. This is true for two big reasons, one practical and one romantic:

1. The time and energy you’ve already invested in your relationship predisposes you to defend it instead of dissect it.

2. The brain chemistry of being “in love” entails hormones flooding your brain which make it incredibly difficult to view your partner and your relationship objectively.

That’s why this study guide series was written, to prepare you for relational success when it counts: before you fall in love. We call it love education, and it’s the wise individual who seeks it out, whether marriage is a deep desire or just a vague curiosity.

Tolerance, Acceptance & Love (pt 3)

2011-12-06T21:44:00.003-06:00

Tolerance Has an Expiration Date

You know the real problem with merely tolerating the differences of others? It’s almost impossible to do that for very long. The tension is just too great. If you believe something to be wrong or unjust or offensive, to accept it is to deny yourself. And denying yourself for any reason other than obedience to a perfectly and infinitely loving God is excruciating. Actually, I find denying myself in obedience to God quite challenging at times. You can forget about me doing it for Julie. I’m just not that strong.

This is why many marriages dissolve over irreconcilable differences.

Funny thing – almost every irreconcilable difference that leads to divorce was actually present in the relationship prior to the wedding day. It’s just most lovebirds find such differences intriguing before marriage, but begin to see them in a different light after they realize they’ll have to endure them every single day, until one of them dies. While others enter marriage naively expecting those dissimilarities to dissipate after they say, “I do.”

Either way, once reality sets in, most couples never resolve to accept those differences. Instead they endeavor to tolerate them, until finally they simply can’t stand it any longer. Fortunately for you, you’re a smart single, so this will not be your story. Determine now to make peace with your loved ones by learning to accept [not merely tolerate] differences. This is what love asks us to do. And as you learn to accept the differences [not the sin] of others, you'll be learning to do the same in marriage. No irreconcilable differences for you.

[The previous is part of a brief series on tolerance, acceptance and love - three concepts that are tossed around as much as they are misunderstood in our culture. For healthy relationships it's important to understand the difference. In marriage it's essential. All of the posts in this series come directly from our third study guide which you can purchase here.]

Tolerance, Acceptance & Love (pt 2)

2011-11-29T17:34:00.003-06:00

My wife has a close friend who couldn’t be further away from us in matters of spirituality, morality and politics. One time she had a dream about this friend in which she was discussing one of the many issues upon which they disagree. In the dream, Julie recalled her friend saying they needed to be tolerant of each other, but Julie told her “No! I don’t want to tolerate you. I want to love you.”

If your loved one is living contrary to the clear teachings of scripture, you can’t really accept them the way they want you to accept them. You can accept them as a child of God (or as your mom or your friend or your brother), but you can only tolerate the immoral behavior.

Here’s the crux of the matter. The world says that “tolerance” can unify our culture, but what the world really wants isn’t “tolerance,” but “acceptance” – not just of differences, but sin. And what the world is really dying for is love.

Love may tolerate evil (God’s love apparently does), but it can never accept evil. If I had an addiction to heroine, it would be cruel for my wife to accept that. How could she say she loved me and yet enable me to carry on a habit that would slowly destroy me? Love would demand she help me in any way she could; not only for my sake, but for the sake of our relationship and our children.

So when we talk about making peace with our loved ones, we are not called to accept the sinful choices our loved ones make, just the different ones. Further, we are not called to tolerate those differences (that’s getting along apart from them instead of getting along with them). Instead, we are called to accept them out of love for them and awe of our God who delights in diversity.

Tolerance, Acceptance & Love (pt 1)

2011-11-19T19:58:00.004-06:00

[The following post is part of a brief series on tolerance, acceptance and love - three concepts that are tossed around as much as they are misunderstood in our culture. For healthy relationships it's important to understand the difference. In marriage it's essential. All of the posts in this series come directly from our third study guide which you can purchase here.]

In today’s world, tolerance is held up as the ultimate virtue. However, in the words of Inigo Montoya, the Spaniard from The Princess Bride, “You keep using that word. I’m not sure it means what you think it means.”

The fact is you can only tolerate something you don’t like or believe. If you like it or believe it, you don’t have to tolerate it, because you can accept it.

If you disagree with someone, but are willing to let that person do, think or believe what they want anyway, you are practicing tolerance. But if you disagree with someone and insist that they change their actions, thoughts or beliefs to conform to yours, you are displaying intolerance.

However, what most people mean by the word “tolerance” today is “acceptance,” because if you disagree with someone’s point of view, or even if you are committed wholeheartedly to your own, you are counted intolerant.

For instance, if you were to tell a couple living out of wedlock that you thought that was wrong, today’s culture would identify you as intolerant, regardless of your willingness to let the couple live as they pleased. In reality, if you are willing to let them live that way, even though you object, you are actually exercising tolerance.

[The previous is part of a brief series on tolerance, acceptance and love - three concepts that are tossed around as much as they are misunderstood in our culture. For healthy relationships it's important to understand the difference. In marriage it's essential. All of the posts in this series come directly from our third study guide which you can purchase here.]

And the award for “Spookiest Love Song” goes to…

2011-10-29T20:01:00.006-05:00

Are you a fan of Nick Lachey? Sorry about that.

Seriously, the only thing I know about him are the lyrics to one of his biggest songs, “What’s Left of Me”. And IMHO, it's one of the spookiest love songs I’ve ever heard.

(Verse 1) Watched my life pass me by in the rearview mirror,
Pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer,
I don't wanna waste another day stuck in the shadow of my mistakes - yeah

(Chorus) Cause I want you, and I feel you crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burnin to find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken, and I'm faded. I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have what's left of me.

(Verse 2) I've been dying inside little by little. Nowhere to go
I'm goin outta my mind, An endless circle runnin from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

(Repeat Chorus followed by Bridge) Fallin' faster, barely breathing
Give me something to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head. Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

Wow. Can you say “needy,” boys and girls? How about “lost” or “broken”?

Am I saying that someone expressing his internal wounds so openly is spooky? No! Expressing such vulnerable sentiments in the right context is healthy. Indeed it’s the only way to get healthy.

However, confessing the depth of my emotional neediness to a romantic interest is about as prudent as sharing my financial problems with the drive-thru bank teller, hoping they might add a couple stacks of $100 bills to my withdrawal. That sweet bank teller with the bright-eyed smile might rush to sympathize. She might truly want to help, but she simply can’t balance my budget. She can only withdraw from what’s already in my bank account.

And no human being you’re dreaming about can possibly heal the kind of pain that Nick describes in this song. No matter how sweet or how bright-eyed their smile.

So what do you do with “what’s left of you”? The same thing I have to do with “what’s left of me.” Confess your need, brokenness and hurt to the only one capable of filling your every need, healing your every wound, even transforming your every hurt into something unimaginably beautiful.

Sound too good to be true? Well, if you don’t think God can or would be willing to “take what’s left of you and make you whole once again,” THEN WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU KEEP HOPING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING CAN OR WILL?!?!

See how deceptive Satan is? “God doesn’t want to heal you, but (he/she) does!”

Huh?

Even more amazing: the hard work required for the complete healing of every heart has already been done. That’s what Jesus accomplished on the cross! And he did so for Nick Lachey as much as he did for YOU!

Is God’s healing instantaneous? Sometimes, but not usually. This is why we're reluctant to go to God for healing. We want a quick fix. One we think a story-book (or pornographic) romance will deliver. Don’t believe the lie.

Passion and romance can’t save you. Only the passion and resurrection of Christ can do that. And He who died for you already is dying to hear you say something like…

I want you, and I feel you, crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burnin to find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken, and I'm faded. I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have what's left of me.
Fallin' faster, barely breathing
Give me something to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head. Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

Is God Asking You to Get Dirty?

2011-09-24T16:31:00.001-05:00

Remember the fascinating story of Naaman? He was the Commander of the Army of Syria, but he came down with leprosy and winds up coming to the prophet Elisha for healing.

Whew. That was humbling. After all, Elisha happened to be the prophet of a people whom Commander Naaman had conquered. What could a prophet like that have to offer someone of Namaan’s status?

Well, what Elisha offered him were instructions sent by messenger: “Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored, and you shall be clean.” (2 Kings 5:10b) To get a feel for how rude this might come across, imagine if the President came to your place for a cookout and you sent someone to tell him to try the drive thru at McDonald’s. Seven times.

“But Naaman was angry and went away, saying, ‘Behold, I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the LORD his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper. Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?’ So he turned and went away in a rage.” (2 Kings 5:11-12)

Of course, that’s not the end of the story, because some his servants who cared more about his healing and wholeness than his status and pride urged him to take a dip in the dirty water. The result: “his flesh was restored like the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.” (2 Kings 5:14b)

Are we like Naaman when it comes to relationships?

Many want a significant love relationship worse than life itself, but they don’t want to have to go to too much trouble. They certainly don’t want to do something as inconvenient or unsexy as dipping in a dirty river.

We just want God to wave His hand and there they are: both gorgeous and Godly – holy and hip (plus a good job and a great sense of humor). Then when it doesn’t happen like that we begin to wonder, “Does God really want to give me someone special with whom to share my life?”

Well, clearly God wanted to give Naaman the flesh like that of a child, but first He asked Naaman to humble himself in an act of faith and obedience. Odds are that God very much wants to lead you into a life-giving, life-long marriage. But wouldn’t it be just like Him to first ask you to take a specific step of faith and obedience?

The good news is you don’t have to wade in the local muddy waters, but what about walking through one of our 8-wk FMU Success Prep study guides? What about getting a couple friends to join you?

Perhaps that’s not the river God’s asking you to dip in, but please believe me, God is calling you to some act of faith and obedience. That’s just how He works. Many such acts led to Julie and me coming together for what has turned out to be a freaking amazing marriage. Many more such acts led us to the place where we are now almost desperate to help others prepare for success in relationships; especially their future marriage.

Care to join us? Come on in! The water’s fine.

Not Your Normal Promise Ring

2011-08-27T12:57:00.007-05:00

Our oldest daughter, Claire, turns 13 tomorrow. To celebrate I took her out for a special Father-Daughter date last night where I gave her a promise ring. But it's not your normal promise ring as you will see from the letter I share with you below. For the ladies, I pray you'll hear your Heavenly Father make these promises to you. For the gentlemen, may these words inspire you to treat every young lady like a Sister in the Lord - they have a Heavenly Father to whom you will answer. For both smart single men and women, may you seek all the Godly counsel you can from older women in the Lord and men of God.

My Promise to my Dear Daughter, Claire Love

on the occasion of her 13^th birthday

To your mother and me, you are a precious treasure beyond description. So precious, this promise ring represents not promises I’m asking you to make to me, but ones I am making to you. And I make this commitment with all the love and power Your Heavenly Father has granted me as your earthly Father.

First, I personally promise to you that I will keep the vows I made to your mother, setting an example of the kind of man you would want for a husband. I further promise to prioritize my family over all, but my commitment to God (knowing God’s purposes for my life are not in conflict).

Marriage is an awesome calling. Therefore, I promise to guide you in understanding and accepting the mystery of marriage as described in God’s word, so you will be ready for a life-giving, life-long marriage.

Marriage requires sober preparation. Therefore, I promise to help you prepare for the demands and blessings of marriage, so that you’ll be equipped to respect, serve and minister to your future husband.

Marriage requires divine inspiration. Therefore, I promise to disciple you in faith, wisdom and grace, so that you will be empowered to discern God’s will in all your major decisions and significant relationships.

Finally remember, you were created not for the pleasure of any man, but for the pleasure of your Heavenly Father. Therefore, until God calls you into marriage, I promise to lead you in living each day with passion and purpose, as you anticipate the glorious day of your ultimate union with Him.

Your mom and I could not have imagined the exceptional young lady you have already become and we look forward to witnessing your continued growth into the mature woman God is calling you to be. When you look at this ring, remember your Mom and I love you unconditionally and believe you can do all things in Christ. Remember my promises to you. And, remember to love the Lord Your God with all of your heart (worshiping Him alone), all of your soul (abiding in God’s love), all of your mind (treasuring truth and wisdom) and all of your strength (cherishing life). Then you will be empowered to love others as you love yourself, blessing Your God, yourself and everyone whose life you touch.

With love and honor, Your Father

If You're Really Humble, Do You Know It?

2011-07-16T21:31:00.005-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. AVAILABLE NOW RIGHT HERE! Check out the entire series here.]

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.
Romans 12:1-3 (ESV)

To clarify, humility doesn’t mean thinking lowly of yourself, but thinking rightly of yourself. Humble people, by definition, do not possess low self-esteem. They don’t so much think less of themselves, as they think more of others. Actually, the truly humble person doesn’t think of themselves at all. You can’t think little of yourself if you simply aren’t thinking of yourself in the first place.

It’s this transformation of thought that God desires for us, more than He wants us to make individual sacrifices here and there. If we consider that though we are dust, we are loved intimately and entirely by our creator, then we can see ourselves in the proper light. When we see ourselves aright, then sacrificing becomes the least we could do and literally offering our bodies as a living sacrifice what we really want to do.

Of course, I don’t feel that way all the time. Sometimes I don’t feel that way at all, but overall, by “the mercies of God” and “according to the measure of faith that God has assigned” to me, I am learning to revel in who God has made me and is making me. And when my renewed mind is focused on all God is continuing to do in, around and through me, then why would I want to be conformed to this world? I’m too busy discerning the good, acceptable and perfect will of God. And my ultimate response: I want to present myself as a living sacrifice.

If you just can’t quite get there yet, I’ll share a couple pragmatic points on the following pages that might persuade you to join me. However, in the end, no one will be convinced by human wisdom to become a living sacrifice (1 Cor 2:1-5) and that’s why I’m pausing in my writing right now to pray for you.

[This is just an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. AVAILABLE NOW RIGHT HERE! Check out the entire series here.]

A Dirt-Free Little Secret about Sex

2011-07-05T22:13:00.003-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. AVAILABLE NOW RIGHT HERE! Check out the entire series here.]

Believe it or not, Christ-likeness, maturity, patience, holiness, discipline and faith are just the sort of gifts God had in mind for marriage to give us. If you’re pretty certain you’re not interested in such things, do yourself a favor and scratch marriage off your list of things to do. You may believe you still want marriage for the guilt-free, fun, passionate sex, but marriage is much more about sacrifice and selflessness than sex. I know that might sound like a bummer, but it’s not.

I’m going to let you in on a dirt-free little secret about sex. Sex is more about oneness than it is orgasm. It’s more about the relationship than the experience. That means if you’re connected on more levels, it’s only going to make the sexual connection all the more powerful. Indeed, after only seventeen years of marriage, the love my wife and I make is richer and more precious (and yes more fun and passionate) because of the number of times we’ve sacrificed for each other and our children.

Since sacrificial commitment is the point of marriage and guilt-free sex the subsequent gift, all the sex in the world cannot compensate for the sacrifice marriage requires. Most who marry believing sex is the point of marriage, with commitment the subsequent gift, wind up cursing God and divorcing. And of those who hang in there, most feel like cursing God and dying.

Honestly, have you seen marriage as being more about sacrificial commitment or guilt-free sex? How has your dating life reflected this reality?

[This was an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. AVAILABLE NOW RIGHT HERE! Check out the entire series here.]

If You Ask, then Receive

2011-06-24T09:43:00.003-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. RELEASING THIS MONTH OF JUNE! Check out the entire series here.]

What if you asked me for a million dollars and I said, “Sure. To what Swiss bank account would you like me to wire those funds?”

24-hours later you check with your bank, asking, “Habe ich das Geld erhalten?” Which is, of course, German for “Did the transfer go through?” To which they report, “Ja!” (Yes.)

Then what if you never did anything with that cash – ever – not even when you got married and wanted to fly relatives in for the wedding, nor when you bought your first home, nor when your triplets needed braces, nor when you were unemployed for eight months, nor when all three kids got accepted to Harvard.

Instead, you worked hard to earn the money to pay some of those expenses. You went into debt for others. And some opportunities (like Harvard) you just passed on altogether. But you left that money in Switzerland. You never even visited it.

Is God’s gift of forgiveness like that million dollars for you?

You’ve confessed your sinful choices from the past and you’ve sincerely asked God for His forgiveness. In response, your Heavenly Father, who previously wired the funds necessary to cover every debt you could ever imagine incurring, said, “It’s done.”

And you never did a thing about it. You’re still working hard to cover your debts on your own. Some of them you’ve been able to pay off successfully, but some debts are still outstanding. Now, under the weight of the accumulating interest, you find you’re actually passing on opportunities much greater than Harvard; opportunities like the chance to walk in joy, peace, hope and freedom.

You may never receive forgiveness from certain people you’ve hurt in the past, but your Heavenly Father offers the only forgiveness you really need. If you’ve confessed and asked for forgiveness, then receive it. Right now. Go directly to God’s throne. Do not pass “Go,” do not collect $200. Accept His gift of grace, worth more than all the wealth of the Swiss banking system.

[This was an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. RELEASING THIS MONTH OF JUNE! Check out the entire series here.]

God is Not Zeus. Grace is not the Easter Bunny.

2011-06-15T22:28:00.002-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. RELEASING THIS MONTH OF JUNE! Check out the entire series here.]

If you’re anything like me, every time you fail you want to beat yourself up and then give yourself a good guilt trip. This is not of the Lord.

Why do I do it then? Because…
1. I deserve a good beat down and guilt trip.
2. Being startled at myself for failing makes me feel better, since my disappointment is based on the idea that I’m actually a better person than I appear to be.
3. If I get mad at myself, maybe God won’t.

Whatever the reason, the Godly man doesn’t beat himself up over his sin, as he wallows in his well-deserved shame. He confesses his sin (Ps 32:4-5) and he draws near to God (Ps 32:6, 9).

It’s one of the most unbelievable truths. If you’re still holding on to your own poor choices, God stands ready to forgive and restore you the instant you’re ready.

How can that be?

For starters, our God is something Poseidon or Hades was not. The gods of Greek mythology were, at their very root, selfish; causing them to respond to offense with anger, vengeance, pouting, scheming or some combination thereof. You know – the way we respond to offense.

In contrast, our God has proven himself selfless, to the point of accepting the required penalty for our sin at His own expense. Therefore, He responds to offense (once sincerely confessed) with grace, forgiveness, patience and redemption. Of course, we acknowledge these attributes of God all the time, but when it comes right down to it, we often believe in them as much as we do the Easter Bunny. They really seem too good to be true, more like a flannel-graph story than real life. This is especially if you’ve never seen someone demonstrate patience under pressure or forgiveness after cruel exploitation. Regardless of difficulty, believing is pretty much the key.

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.
Hebrews 11:6 (ESV)

You must believe our God is more wonderful than you could imagine. Forget about whatever choices you made in the past and think about this: If you had been the one who actually carried out Christ’s crucifixion and then stood back and mocked Him as His precious blood dripped from your filthy hands, He would pray for forgiveness on your behalf, before you even asked for it. Even if you didn’t want it.

Do you believe in a God like this? Do you live like you believe it?

If you find it impossible to believe in a God like that, you need to question whether your God is the God of the Bible or one of your own making, no more real than Zeus with his signature lightning bolt.

[The is an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. RELEASING THIS MONTH OF JUNE! Check out the entire series here.]

How Many Straws Does it Take to Get to the Last Straw?

2011-06-10T17:42:00.002-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. RELEASING THIS MONTH OF JUNE! Check out the entire series here.]

You may have been told, “you need to get over this.” You may have believed this is what good Christians do. They just forgive and forget. The former is certainly God’s will. The latter is many times impossible, without amnesia.

However, if you join any support group, go to any counselor, or simply confide in anyone about a problem, you can’t start with the issue at hand. It ain’t that easy. You have to give some background. You have to share your story. What makes the “last straw” the “last straw” are the bales of straw that came before it. You can’t just say, “I just took a sledge hammer to my boss’ BMW. What do you think my problem is?”

Many, many, many things led up to the point where you even considered entering the demolition business, much less actually bought the equipment and singled out your supervisor’s sports car for your first crack at it. You don’t have to go back as far as your birth experience, but if you want to figure out how you wound up in lockup (and the lead story on the evening news), you need to deal with the pain in your past.

Most folks who wind up on the 5 o’clock News never saw themselves there, even months prior. However, one thing leads to another; one event sets up the next; one choice creates new ones. Before they know it, their neighbors are saying things to reporters like, “They seemed so normal! I never would have suspected…”

Here’s an idea. Why wait until you are entertaining crazy ideas like embezzlement, drug dealing, or automotive abuse? Or if it’s too late for that, why wait until you get caught? Why not start looking into your past right now?

Want the simple answer? It’s another one of those “sayings”: “People only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” That’s a pretty fatalistic outlook, but more often than not, it’s reality.

Sadly, most will wait until they’re stuck in a dead (or at least severely disappointing) marriage where they’re contemplating counseling, an affair, divorce, or all three, before they’re persuaded to deal with their past. Even then, most folks will just settle for the affair and/or the divorce and move on without ever seriously unpacking their personal history. And even those who finally submit to counseling don’t want to dig any deeper than necessary.

But that’s not going to be your reality. That’s why you’re walking through this study guide now. That’s why you’re going to make the decision to make peace with your past in the present.

Pain doesn’t have to be the only catalyst to change. You can be motivated much less painfully by wisdom.

[This blog is just an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. RELEASING THIS MONTH OF JUNE! Check out the entire series here.]

Don’t Confuse Differences with Offenses

2011-06-05T20:50:00.002-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. RELEASING THIS MONTH OF JUNE! Check out the entire series here.]

Do differences of taste, personality or opinion make it difficult for you to get along with loved ones? Consider these questions.

Do you change churches out of frustration or offense every other year?
Are you unable to keep a BFF for very long? (That’s ironic, but you’re not alone.)
Do you resent your next-door neighbors for how they maintain their property?
Can you hardly stand to be in the presence of a certain family member?
Do you hate most of your previous bosses?
Do you have so many ex’s living in Texas that they’re crossing the border into Mexico?

Do any of these questions bring to mind someone with whom you don’t get along, even though they haven’t actually committed a wrong against you?

Many times it’s difficult to discern the difference between people who have wronged us and people who are just plain different from us. We’re pre-programmed to think of people who are different from us as messed up by definition, as if their differences are an outgrowth of their sin nature. We consider our own habits, tastes and viewpoints as normal, and the conflicting habits, tastes and viewpoints of others not as just different, or even strange, but wrong.

Why is that?. Offenses and differences have one thing in common. Both generally create conflict.

One person may gossip about me. Another person may openly disagree with me. The former person is engaged in clear wrong doing. The latter person is only wrong from my point of view (and I in theirs), but I experience conflict in both relationships, so it’s easy for me to feel wronged. In fact, married couples can be so offended by the differences they share with their spouse that they can file for divorce on the grounds of those irreconcilable differences.

There’s no other relationship where the confusion between “different” and “wrong” causes more conflict than marriage. Not all married couples determine their differences are irreconcilable, but be certain that significant differences will cause pain in every marriage.

[The following is an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. RELEASING THIS MONTH OF JUNE! Check out the entire series here.]

Let Go of the Independence Illusion

2011-05-28T14:42:00.004-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. RELEASING JUNE '11! Check out the entire series here.]

For all of the faith our modern culture puts in scientific materialism and all the talk of being “real,” we believe some fairly ridiculous things. Take this idea of independence --the belief that we can do it on our own, even that we should do it on our own. At least, we should if we wish to prove ourselves a “real” man or an “empowered” woman.

Regardless of how much you’ve accomplished on your “own,” you had some help at some point; unless you pulled yourself out of the womb, gnawed through your umbilical cord and immediately began scavenging for milk and cigarettes.

Sadly, marriages fail every minute because of the myth of independence. For starters, the independence illusion motivates many to marry without any support from family and friends. Some even marry because of that lack of support. “We’ll show them!” think the proud pair. And they usually do “show them.” They show them how difficult it is to maintain a life-giving, life-long marriage without a strong, involved and supportive community.

Of course, if you’d never consider something so stupid, don’t think yourself out of the woods, because most couples in our modern world will actually model their marriage around a paradigm of independence. The happy couple will become man and wife and then one or both will fight to maintain his space or her rights or his individuality or her time throughout the course of their relationship.

Unfortunately, you will find it difficult to enjoy the union God intends for marriage while you’re defending your identity. If you follow any team sport, you know this. Even a team with one or two standout players won’t win if those members can’t put the team ahead of themselves. Funny we should expect our marriages to work any differently.

However, the way the independence illusion destroys most marriages is not by causing conflicts, but by keeping them from being resolved; escalating the tension by convincing the couple to keep their problems to themselves.

If I was drowning, my demand for independence would be replaced by desperate screams for help! If your home catches fire, you won’t try to put it out yourself until after you've first phoned 911.

Yet it breaks my heart to think of all the marriages breaking up right now as I type these words, simply because the couples involved won’t humble themselves and seek help from family and friends who would do anything they could, if they only knew what was really going on. These couples are drowning, but don’t dare cry out. Their home is on fire, with their whole family inside, but you won’t know about it until all that remains is ash and rubble.

How many times have you been shocked when a “happy couple” suddenly announces their divorce? You never imagined they had any major conflicts and now their marriage is in meltdown mode. How differently things might have turned out if everyone who loved them could pray for them, pray with them, carry their pain and hold them accountable, even take care of the kids from time to time, so the struggling couple can better work things out. So in the end, they can care for their kids instead of fight over them. The independence illusion keeps this from happening.

Have you bought into the independence illusion or could you see yourself falling prey to that illusion in marriage? Why or why not?

[New excerpts going up weekly from TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singes Part 3: The Two Makes & Two Lets. RELEASING JUNE '11! Check out the entire series here.]

Roz Row The Boat Ashore

2011-04-06T10:32:00.007-05:00

[This post is written not by myself, but by Julie, my absolutely amazing, wise and thoughtful wife. Please read the article she references first: http://www.newsweek.com/2011/03/20/my-transoceanic-midlife-crisis.html]

Roz Savage was a woman looking to find herself. In this article she explains how she did it and Newsweek believes it's an example to follow. I think she took a wrong turn, what do you think?

"I wanted a challenge that would help me find out just what I was capable of when I put my mind to something." Not a bad goal. I like challenges and taking risks- it makes life spicy. :) My question is how that relates to "I ended my marriage to row the Atlantic". Was marriage not an extraordinary enough challenge to warrant the same tenacity?

Ms. Savage graduated from college the same year as me. She admits she went into a career she didn't like and stayed there for 11 years until she reevaluated her life. Great idea! What is life all about? What do you want to have done when it's all over? What does Ms. Savage decide is most important?

"I pared down life to the basics to find out what really mattered to me.." Why did this not include her husband. She "let go of everything that represented security" What's the difference between the four things she left- job, husband, possessions, home?

I can't help but wonder what her husband thought. How did it effect him? What was their relationship like? Was their relationship "impossible"? She tackles the impossibility of crossing the ocean with gusto. What if she had done the same with the covenant she made in marriage? Why was it an "either-or" kind of decision? What if she'd switched jobs, rowed the ocean AND worked on her marriage? What could they have accomplished together?

The next paragraph she writes of going to her mother's house. She didn't have to get rid of that relationship to accomplish her goals?

"The only thing worse than carrying on was to quit. And somehow, eventually, one oar stroke at a time, I made it to the other side." She wouldn't quit to row the ocean but she would quit her marriage to do it? Are these confused priorities?

Are we made for relationships or accomplishments? The Bible teaches that true fulfillment comes from serving the Lord and serving others. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others," Philippians 2:3-4. I hope Ms. Savage continues her search for meaning in life and finds Christ, who satisfies more than the right job or an amazing feat ever will.

[Well, what are YOUR thoughts on Roz and Julie's differing perspectives? GO TO OUR FMU FACEBOOK DISCUSSION PAGE AND JOIN THE SMART SINGLE CONVERSATION! I for one am glad my wife's sailing through life with me (even if it isn't always smooth sailing) instead of rowing across the Indian Ocean. Perhaps that's just selfish.]

TOP10 Valentines Dating Dont's

2011-02-11T22:57:00.006-06:00

#10: Don't text your mom during any part of the date.

#9: Don't tweet a running commentary of the evening.

#8: Don't do anything with your date you wouldn't want your Grandmother to know about.
(Your Grandmother is likely one of your 1,426 Facebook "friends", so she's going to find out one way or another.)

#7: Do not say things like, "Pass the salt, AND POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME!"
(Don't even sing thinks like this.)

#6: Don't touch your date anywhere you wouldn't touch your sibling.

#5: Don't ask self-centered questions like, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?"
(Your date might think you're actually self-centered.)

#4: Don't dress in such a way that your date can't help, but stare.
(Try revealing your heart instead of your body; you know; as if that might be the more important part of you.)

#3: Don't introduce a belching contest.

#2: Don't try to sympathize with the server at the restaurant by saying things like, "Too bad you aren't out with your Valentine. If you even have one."
(Unless you'd like a secret ingredient added to your meal.)

#1: At the end of the evening do not announce, "This relationship has worked out so well, I think I'm finally ready to ask out your roommate!

Remember your first love.

Fraklin Smart Single Study Groups!

2011-01-15T00:33:00.008-06:00

Are you a college student or single living in the Nashville area?

Join an FMU Smart Single Study Group near you.

We'll be walking through TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singles, Part 2: The Three Gets. (Click the link for more info on the study guide.)

Classes meet at 7 PM Thursdays, Feb 10 through Apr 14. For locations: info@FutureMarriageUniversity.org.

Stop Gazing at Reflections

2010-12-07T23:49:00.004-06:00

It was a cold cold bike ride this evening; cold for Tennessee, at least. Maybe folks in Minneapolis jump on their bike in 24-degree wind chill all the time, but I didn’t see another cyclist on the roads of Franklin today.

It was worth it though, just for the sunset: light blue, and turquoise and pink. I know that may sound like the colors of an album cover from the ‘80’s, but painted across the sky, those same hues were timeless. A hawk flew overhead and I wondered what it would feel like to take flight and actually be in that sky. Who doesn’t want to touch the sky; to soar with the eagles (or hawks, as the case may be); especially while it’s ablaze in twilight wonder?

Over the course of this evening's 15-mile ride I cut back and forth across a small meandering tree-lined river and at one point I crossed a bridge where the water flows west. I looked down into the peaceful stream below and was surprised by the breathtaking reflection of the sky above. And seeing the heavens in that water, I had this silly fleeting thought of diving in.

Well all I would have gotten for getting in that water would have been cold (and I was already cold enough) and wet (even worse). Of course the glory of the sky I beheld in the smooth, quiet water was just a reflection of the actual sky itself.

Like that dark stream, reflecting the glory of the brilliant sky above, we were made to reflect the glory of God. We were made in his image. But that is all we are: a reflection of God. Not God.

So when we look to other flawed humans like ourselves to fill us, complete us, even save us, we will be let down. We dive into the river of politics only to wind up all wet. The person we elected did not save us. We nurse disappointment for the times our loved ones let us down. They did not fill us. They even emptied us in ways. Our hearts grow cold.

Then we look for that special someone; a knight in shining armor (or a princess in shining amore). And they look so beautiful, so perfect, just like that river. And we dive in, ready to soar.

Instead of flying though we find ourselves struggling to keep our head above water.

Your God made you for himself and himself alone. Even if He has a life-giving, life-long mate in your future, HE will love you through that person. HE will bless you through that person. And in the end HE must get the glory for the beauty of your relationship.

Life is often beautiful, but cold. Just like today. God knows you need companionship, fellowship, encouragement, but he is your need supplier. So stop gazing at reflections. Go to him. Run to him. Reach for him. He’s close to the brokenhearted. Indeed, he’s all around you. You don’t have to fly to touch the sky. The sky reaches all the way down to the earth to touch you. Like it did me today.

Revere Sex

2010-10-08T19:07:00.008-05:00

Obviously FMU is about marriage. You might say it’s our middle name. (Get it? Our Middle name? Future MARRIAGE University... I slay me.) However, since we aim all of our efforts toward college and career singles, we do feel compelled to address dating specifically.

Our main dating talk is “Friends Don’t Let Friends Date Dumb.” Amongst the various issues we cover we recommend not making sexual stimulation a recreational activity. Notice: we don’t say, "don’t have sex on a date." We encourage singles to avoid even sexual stimulation while dating. I believe it was Boundless that opened my mind to the realization that this is essentially what our culture has done to sex: made sexual stimulation a recreational activity.

Is sex “recreational”? In a word: yes. But defining sex as just one of many possible recreational activities would be like defining the holocaust as just one of many tragic historical events. The holocaust resulted in World War II, but not until over 6 million Jews were murdered. That’s a pretty dad gum HUGE “tragic historical event.”

And though sex is recreational it’s also physically, psychologically, chemically, and emotionally bonding. Is a roller coaster? Is a movie? Is laser tag? NO! They’re just fun.

Let’s stop fooling ourselves! Sex is recreational. It can be fun. It can be exciting. It can be good! (For crying out loud, God made it up.)

But it’s also dangerous. And used out of proper context lives are ruined, hearts broken, children abused, marriages wrecked, diseases spread, addictions formed, and hope lost. Can that happen on a roller coaster? Watching a movie?

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” – 1 Cor 6:18-20

Please! Let’s pray for the ability, the desire and the determination to start treating sex with the reverence it deserves.

Would you like a little help in doing that? If you're signed up for free monthly e-newsletter, this edition's smart single tip can help you tame your labido and treat sex as sacred. Want to know what that smart single tip might be, but not singed up? You can do so here.

Look Out For This Lie

2010-07-31T13:29:00.005-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, due out THIS AUGUST. However, Part 1 is available NOW right here.]

As I’ve read more and more about the state of today’s singles, I’ve come across a phenomenon that strikes me as falling somewhere between incredibly naïve and considerably horrifying.

It seems many Christian singles are choosing not only to intentionally delay marriage; not only to intentionally delay adulthood, but to intentionally delay spiritual growth. The ill-conceived assumption is that God can wait until after I’ve had my fun and am ready to grow up and settle down.

Considering the state of matrimony today, the inclination to delay marriage, though perhaps misguided, has a rational appeal. As for delaying adulthood, who wouldn’t want to enjoy the privileges of a grownup without the commensurate responsibilities, if allowed to do so? And looky there! Our “modern” Western culture not only allows, but encourages just that.

However, delaying spiritual growth isn’t merely selfish (like postponing adulthood). And there’s nothing self-preserving about it (like the fear-driven avoidance of relational commitment). Delaying spiritual growth is simply self-destructive.

Fact is, God can wait, and does. He waits for prodigal sons (and daughters and fathers and mothers) 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year (366 days in leap years). He not only leaves the allegorical light on, He stands on the figurative front porch scanning the metaphorical horizon, waiting. And when any prodigal is ready to repent and submit to His lordship, He runs – not walks – runs to them, brings them home, buys them jewelry and throws a rack of ribs on the grill. That’s why the Bible calls our heavenly father long-suffering. You can’t exhaust His mercy and He’s never in any hurry. (You don’t actually have to be in a hurry if you’re sovereign.)

The question is: Can you wait to seek God? Can you wait until you’re so hungry you’re slobbering over pig slop? Can you wait until you’re so exhausted from climbing every mountain of materialism you can barely crawl? Can you wait until you’re devotion is so divided you don’t know who you are anymore? Can you wait until your mind is utterly depleted from trying to figure everything out on your own? Can you wait until an endless line of empty relationships leaves you so lost and alone you’re afraid to ever open up to anyone again; even the Maker, Sustainer and Lover of your soul?

And even if you could wait, do you really want to?

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Do You Hate Your Favorite Team?

2010-07-29T08:37:00.006-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, due out THIS AUGUST. However, Part 1 is available NOW right here.]

Know someone who’s a fan of a certain TV show? You can tell a fan from a spectator. The fan never misses an episode, has an opinion for every plot line and knows all the characters. (As if they were real people!)

Know a sports fan? They can tell you the name of the goalie that caught the winning touchdown in the playoffs after being down 40-love in the second period (or was that four over par on the back court?). Whatever! They know their sport, their team, their stats, their roster. They even know the diet, exercise regime and pastimes of their favorite player. (Hey, at least athletes are real people.)

That’s what I mean by getting “serious” about church, prayer and Bible study. No, you don’t have to know your pastor’s stats (“You’re batting .500 this month, Reverend!”). You don’t have to learn a heavenly prayer language through Rosetta Stone. It’s not even necessary to learn Greek and Hebrew.

However, when it comes to comparing my dedication to spiritual discipline and my dedication to other hobbies or interests, there is a passage that comes to mind. "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple." - Luke 14:26 (ESV)

What in the world is this verse saying?!? Does God really want us to hate our family? If Jesus called us to do anything, He called us to love. So what’s this monkey business about hating Mom and Dad? It can only mean our love for Jesus must be so powerful, so consuming, so devoted, that we’d forsake all other loves to follow Him.

If Jesus explicitly stated this should be true of our family – and He did – how much more so our favorite sport or TV show? Here’s the MJ paraphrase (MJP) of that verse from Luke: If anyone comes to me and does not hate his favorite movie and TV show and hobby and sport and career and ministry, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.

Can you say that you hate your favorite team in comparison to your love for God? Can you see how serious God takes this business of discipleship? What do you think Jesus might ask you to hate in order to be His disciple? What commitments or loyalties would He ask you to give Him preeminence over?

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How to Catch the Counterfeit

2010-07-17T14:59:00.006-05:00

Like what you see here? Tell your friends on Facebook. [The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, due out THIS AUGUST. However, Part 1 is available NOW right here.]

Do you know how to spot a counterfeit dollar bill?

You have to do the same thing the counterfeiters do: study the real thing.

The best forgers can’t do what they do unless they know what they’re copying. And the best detectives have to beat them at their game. They have to know the genuine article so well that the subtlest variations of the imitation do not go unnoticed.

We have to do the same thing. We have to immerse ourselves in the truth, so when God hides it in our circumstances, it jumps out at us like a full-color, digital billboard. But if we won’t spend time in His word, if we won’t spend time with His people and if we won’t spend time in prayer, we’ll never sufficiently internalize God’s truth. Then seeing God in our world will be considerably more challenging.

Now, do people misinterpret scripture? Yes.

Does the church compromise the truth at times? Yes.

Do folks come up with some crazy things that “God told them” in prayer? Yes.

Again, we experience, and therefore interpret, everything from our point of view, but does that mean we give up entirely on pursing truth at all?

Which is more susceptible to misinterpretation?

· What God’s word means or what my own particular circumstances mean?

· What church tradition dictates or what my own experience dictates?

· What I felt God told me in an intentional time of prayer or what I felt God told me as I was flying through my day without any time to even think, much less pray?

It takes time to invest in God’s word and His church and in prayer, but I don’t think it’s an investment you can afford to pass up; certainly not if you’re wanting to make the right decision about a marriage partner.

[Check back each week in July for more excerpts from the FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, or check out Part 1 right here right now.] For more videos, more links and just plain old more, visit us on Facebook.